For as long as I can think, I have always "done the math". I have always run the numbers on my caloric need, my calorie burn, I know the different formulas off the top of my head. I've long known the calories in a gram of protein, carbohydrate, fat, or alcohol. I know the recommended percentages as well as the percentages of other diet programs--Atkins, Protein Power, high protein, low fat, whatever. The numbers have never helped me. They've never actually reflected what is happening in my body, but that doesn't mean I haven't tried.
I have always been an intellectual. Or a nerd. Whatever you want to call me, I've been an established devotee of things we know and can prove for my entire life. I am trained as a scientist, and I have two science-based degrees (AS in Physical Therapy Assisting and BS in Kinesiology, emphasis Physical Therapy). I'm even taking another science--Nutrition, ironically enough--just for fun right now, and I'm debating finishing up that degree also just for the hell of it. I believe in science. And it seemed like science had betrayed me.
Mel very quickly pointed out that science hadn't failed me at all. She astutely observed that I have a disease, and I was trying to work with an unknown variable. The idea struck me in the face. It was so bloody obvious. You're never going to get the right answer if you don't have all the parts of the equation. It felt like I was beating my head against a wall, and I was. It's astonishing I kept beating for so long, honestly, and is just a testament to how stubborn I am (ahem--I don't like not being able to understand something) and to how much I want this. Mel's observation, which I couldn't see, freed me to move forward. I was able to let go, in that instant, of all the anger and frustration and disappointment in myself at not being able to "do this" when apparently everyone around me could.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I am not stupid. I'm actually very smart.
I am not inept. I'm very capable and I have many talents.
I am not a glutton. I need energy, and my body is struggling.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I am free.
