Ahh, brave last words spoken yesterday.
I am going through some difficult emotional things that came to a bit of a head in the last couple of days. I've been working very hard with Dr. Matt to dismantle and disarm them, and build in healthier responses. But when these emotional things happen my first instinct is still to stuff them down, strangle them with food. The muscles for coping and facing instead of just running away are still new.
Yesterday I ate potato chips for lunch. I found a brand that wasn't full of crap, basically potatoes and salt and oil. But the fact remains that I had potato chips for lunch. So it was still Whole30 with regard to the ingredients, but certainly not in spirit. So gray area. At dinner I desperately wanted to skip it. I really needed to skip the meal as an expression of control. I know that's one of my behaviors, though, that I'm trying very hard to break. So I made myself eat something. I managed only a banana and almond butter, but I did it. Then I went to bed.
This morning when I woke up I was hungry, obviously, but more than hungry I'm emotionally raw. I really, really want to "cut and run".
My dad was in the military. He was high ranking on submarines--already a rare bird--during the Cold War. We went where they needed him. By the time I was in the third grade I'd been in 5 different schools. Counting colleges, which was my own doing since I put myself through, I went to 12 different schools. This means 12 different groups of friends (although in all honesty I've never really had "groups" of friends. I've had one or two at a time). I've lived in 8 different states and one different country. Starting very very young I learned how to "rip it out": cut all attachments and walk away. I'm really bad at forming close attachments. I just don't know how. I am interested in people and I'm curious, and I make friends quickly and easily. But I keep people at arm's distance, and when I walk away I walk away cleanly. Ghosts don't follow me.
What that all means is that my primary form of dealing with emotional struggles and difficult relationships is to stuff it down as long as I can, and then when it gets unbearable to just to walk away. Deep in my brain there's a bitter belief: "Everything ends, it's just a matter of when." I'm trying to learn not to do that. I'm trying to learn other ways of coping.
So this morning when I woke up I was hungry. I was--am--also emotional and touchy. I immediately started thinking of where might be open. Mmmm, pancakes the size of the plate. Butter and syrup, oh my! Fried potatoes and eggs with milk and cinnamon rolls and cream and croissants and doughnuts and and...hysteria. It's Thanksgiving Day, though, so I can be thankful that no place is open.
But then I realized that I had to go to the store. I needed almond milk for my tea. I made a list, told my best friend what I was going to buy, and allowed myself to get only almond milk, bananas, parsnips, and carrots. Then I got out of there.
Back home I heated up some sausages while my water boiled, then I had tea, sausages, and two kiwi. The banana is next to me but I don't want it. I've eaten good food and I'm not hungry anymore. I've wobbled, certainly, but I righted myself and I'm back on course. This is good. This is something to be thankful for.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
How long?
I am not challenged by Thanksgiving. My husband is British so he doesn't care about the day and has no childhood traditions to pursue, and my family lives 1700 miles away. To me, it's just another thursday. It will be day 45 of my Whole30! Um...yeah, that works.
I don't know how long I'm hanging on to this, really. It's just the way I eat now and I'm really not planning for a day when this "stops". I see no reason to stop. I see no good reason to stop eating fresh, healthy foods that make me feel good. When I am offered something that isn't as fresh/healthy/Whole30 approved, I ask myself if it's "worth feeling bad for". I never realized I was feeling bad, not until I started feeling so much better. I didn't know it was possible to feel good like this. The only thing I changed was what I was eating, so I know it's because of the food. I see no reason to eat something that has the potential to make me feel bad--tired, loggy, heavy, lethargic. There's the possibility of one or two handmade chocolates at the New Year, but that's if we go to the redwoods for my rebirthday. Otherwise, this is...the way I eat. It's a fundamental shift in thinking. I finally understand everything I've always read about not going on a "diet" but rather "changing to way you eat". I thought I had. I thought I was. Now I realize I was so firmly entrenched in "dieting" that even I couldn't see it. Planning cheat days, allowing days where I "went off plan". Even just having a plan to go off of, honestly. Eating too many Points and trying to compensate, hoarding Points through the week so I could eat what I "really" wanted. Doing all the math, obsessively, throughout my day: "if I have chips with lunch then I've got too many carbs so if I drop out the rice at dinner and leave off some of the meat to drop fat but what about protein okay change my meat with dinner to something less fatty means I've got to have at least 6 ounces how are calories doing...?" It was all exhausting. And NEVER WORKED. Long term, anyway. Everything works for a little bit of time. It's finding the thing you can do long term that makes the difference. And I can eat real food long term.
I don't know how long I'm hanging on to this, really. It's just the way I eat now and I'm really not planning for a day when this "stops". I see no reason to stop. I see no good reason to stop eating fresh, healthy foods that make me feel good. When I am offered something that isn't as fresh/healthy/Whole30 approved, I ask myself if it's "worth feeling bad for". I never realized I was feeling bad, not until I started feeling so much better. I didn't know it was possible to feel good like this. The only thing I changed was what I was eating, so I know it's because of the food. I see no reason to eat something that has the potential to make me feel bad--tired, loggy, heavy, lethargic. There's the possibility of one or two handmade chocolates at the New Year, but that's if we go to the redwoods for my rebirthday. Otherwise, this is...the way I eat. It's a fundamental shift in thinking. I finally understand everything I've always read about not going on a "diet" but rather "changing to way you eat". I thought I had. I thought I was. Now I realize I was so firmly entrenched in "dieting" that even I couldn't see it. Planning cheat days, allowing days where I "went off plan". Even just having a plan to go off of, honestly. Eating too many Points and trying to compensate, hoarding Points through the week so I could eat what I "really" wanted. Doing all the math, obsessively, throughout my day: "if I have chips with lunch then I've got too many carbs so if I drop out the rice at dinner and leave off some of the meat to drop fat but what about protein okay change my meat with dinner to something less fatty means I've got to have at least 6 ounces how are calories doing...?" It was all exhausting. And NEVER WORKED. Long term, anyway. Everything works for a little bit of time. It's finding the thing you can do long term that makes the difference. And I can eat real food long term.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
One down...
I went to open gym this morning intending to work on my jerk. We did it three months ago, at my second WOD ever, but I'd missed the days it was on the schedule again in the next 12 weeks. I needed to establish my PR.
I worked from the rack. 45# bar, not a challenge. 65# (two 10# plates), a challenge but not insurmountable. 85# (two additional 10# plates)...yeah that's not happening. I topped out very quickly, which I tend to do on upper body. I looked at the bar and decided to try 5# plates. Took off the 10s, slid on 5s. I got one 75# jerk. Awesome! Tried for the second but didn't have it. So 75# was definitely my PR.
I wrote it on the board and went to sit on a box next to Ashlyn. We were idly chatting when Stef walked in and came straight to her.
"These are the t-shirts I'm thinking about," he showed her pictures. She had pictures of her own to compare. They debated and planned. Stef turned his head and looked at me.
"Hey, you want a t-shirt? I usually get a couple for Bill and Pat in XXL," he offered. His tone was just conversational, not accusatory at all. I nodded and agreed that he could add an additional shirt to "Bill and Pat's order" for me.
Then Stef looked at me, turned and walked into the office, and came back with a shirt in hand. He held it up in front of me and said, "here, go put this on." I tried to demure--it was a size smaller than I had asked for--but he insisted I go into the office and try it on. Nervously, certain everyone was watching me, I walked across the floor and shut myself in the office.
My t-shirt off, I pulled Stef's shirt on. I smoothed it down. Mmm, baby cotton, so nice! There were no mirrors in the room. Did it fit? It seemed to fit. It wasn't pulling anywhere...but it was touching my skin. Was that bad? Did this fit? I experimented with pulling my stomach in. Was that better?
I turned to open the door when it opened toward me. I shrieked, nervous and edgy, and Ryan just looked at me with raised eyebrows. I slipped by him and went over to Ashlyn and Stef.
"Um, does it fit?" I twitched nervously.
Ashlyn's face lit up in a smile. "It fits! You look good! I meant to tell you when I walked in that you were looking slimmer!" I grinned at her, giddy.
"Well then I guess I'll buy this one." I went to my car, got my $20, and gave it to Stef. We fist-bumped. Mick and I fist-bumped. There was fist-bumping everywhere!
I am a size smaller. Go me!
I worked from the rack. 45# bar, not a challenge. 65# (two 10# plates), a challenge but not insurmountable. 85# (two additional 10# plates)...yeah that's not happening. I topped out very quickly, which I tend to do on upper body. I looked at the bar and decided to try 5# plates. Took off the 10s, slid on 5s. I got one 75# jerk. Awesome! Tried for the second but didn't have it. So 75# was definitely my PR.
I wrote it on the board and went to sit on a box next to Ashlyn. We were idly chatting when Stef walked in and came straight to her.
"These are the t-shirts I'm thinking about," he showed her pictures. She had pictures of her own to compare. They debated and planned. Stef turned his head and looked at me.
"Hey, you want a t-shirt? I usually get a couple for Bill and Pat in XXL," he offered. His tone was just conversational, not accusatory at all. I nodded and agreed that he could add an additional shirt to "Bill and Pat's order" for me.
Then Stef looked at me, turned and walked into the office, and came back with a shirt in hand. He held it up in front of me and said, "here, go put this on." I tried to demure--it was a size smaller than I had asked for--but he insisted I go into the office and try it on. Nervously, certain everyone was watching me, I walked across the floor and shut myself in the office.
My t-shirt off, I pulled Stef's shirt on. I smoothed it down. Mmm, baby cotton, so nice! There were no mirrors in the room. Did it fit? It seemed to fit. It wasn't pulling anywhere...but it was touching my skin. Was that bad? Did this fit? I experimented with pulling my stomach in. Was that better?
I turned to open the door when it opened toward me. I shrieked, nervous and edgy, and Ryan just looked at me with raised eyebrows. I slipped by him and went over to Ashlyn and Stef.
"Um, does it fit?" I twitched nervously.
Ashlyn's face lit up in a smile. "It fits! You look good! I meant to tell you when I walked in that you were looking slimmer!" I grinned at her, giddy.
"Well then I guess I'll buy this one." I went to my car, got my $20, and gave it to Stef. We fist-bumped. Mick and I fist-bumped. There was fist-bumping everywhere!
I am a size smaller. Go me!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Day 30!
Today is Day 30 of my first Whole30. Drumroll please! I have lost....
I don't know how many pounds. I'm not interested in getting on the scale.
I know I've lost 3.5" underbust, 2" waist, and 2" hips. I only knew those measurements because I was looking for a dress pattern size sometime in the first week, they're not "official start measurements". But whatever, close enough.
I have GAINED:
*Absolutely glowing skin. When multiple people who do not know each other mention it to you, you know it's true.
*SLEEEEEEP. I'm sleeping like a baby. I have fought sleep issues for EIGHTEEN YEARS, since the accident. I would get up 5 or 6 times a night to go to the bathroom and I constantly tossed and turned. I wear an eye mask and earplugs and I STILL would wake up that much. Now I sleep in solid 4-hour blocks, and I wake up once in the middle of the night. It's life changing. I feel so much better with sleeping! The only challenge is that now I want to sleep all the time. ;)
*I am happier, more energetic, and more enthusiastic. I've never been a pessimist, despite my love of sarcasm. I'm a generally cheerful person. But very shortly I expect my boxmates to start slapping me at 5:30am when I'm trilling and happy and energetic and they're bleery-eyed and barely awake.
*Money! My bank account is so much better off! My husband and I only went out once this month, and I looked at my bank account in shock. Seriously, did I forget a bill? What? Um...oh dear. Well if THAT isn't a wake-up for the budget then I don't know what is.
*Confidence and security in my choices. There's so much information out there regarding diets and "health". So many new gimmicks, so many seemingly well-reasoned arguments for why X approach is better than Y, why Y fails in comparison to Z. I'm listening to none of it. I'm questioning myself NOT AT ALL. My body feels amazing. I'm getting signals that tell me that this is RIGHT, this feels good, my body is happy. I am secure in my choices. I am not panicking in the back of my mind, "what if this doesn't work? What do I not know yet? Do I need to study this more? What does this book/diet over here have to offer?" I am confident that this is right for my body, and emotional stress has melted away.
But the most significant change, the change that I am chasing, is in healing my brain. Oh, please. Oh please pleasepleaseplease. I've never wanted anything more. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to have that. When I woke up from the coma, after the accident, I had no idea how badly I was hurt. For two months I had no idea as I gradually healed. But then one day...
It was April. I remember in great detail, because there was so much emotional trauma. So much pain. I was in my room with my journal, and I was idly flipping pages, trying to stir up memories here and there, musing over how much I didn't remember. I picked up a book. Still couldn't read. I knew what the words meant, but couldn't comprehend how they threaded together into a coherent thought. I couldn't remember the first sentence of the paragraph by the time I got to the last sentence. Me, an English major! Who had never wanted anything more than to write, be a writer, be published, tell my stories to the world. In a split second I realized what I had lost. I realized how badly I was hurt. I realized that I had changed on such a fundamental level, that my dreams were dead to me. I still remember, word for word, what I picked up my journal and wrote:
"Anything but my brain. Anything. I would have given my arm. Anything but my brain."
Right there, in that moment, I made the decision to turn from my writing dreams and everything I thought I'd become. I made the decision to pick myself up and carry on, fight on, on a completely different path. Realizing how badly my brain was injured was by far the most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to me, and in some ways I am still reeling from that blow.
But there is a suggestion here, in this way of eating. Coupled with Crossfit and the neural changes detailed in Learning to Breathe Fire, this way of eating has the potential to help heal some of the damage and stimulate parts that are, while not dormant, sluggish. If I can heal my brain and focus on executive function, planning tasks and completing them, I'm all in.
This does not end tonight. I'm healing my brain, and I want that more than anything. I'm all in.
I don't know how many pounds. I'm not interested in getting on the scale.
I know I've lost 3.5" underbust, 2" waist, and 2" hips. I only knew those measurements because I was looking for a dress pattern size sometime in the first week, they're not "official start measurements". But whatever, close enough.
I have GAINED:
*Absolutely glowing skin. When multiple people who do not know each other mention it to you, you know it's true.
*SLEEEEEEP. I'm sleeping like a baby. I have fought sleep issues for EIGHTEEN YEARS, since the accident. I would get up 5 or 6 times a night to go to the bathroom and I constantly tossed and turned. I wear an eye mask and earplugs and I STILL would wake up that much. Now I sleep in solid 4-hour blocks, and I wake up once in the middle of the night. It's life changing. I feel so much better with sleeping! The only challenge is that now I want to sleep all the time. ;)
*I am happier, more energetic, and more enthusiastic. I've never been a pessimist, despite my love of sarcasm. I'm a generally cheerful person. But very shortly I expect my boxmates to start slapping me at 5:30am when I'm trilling and happy and energetic and they're bleery-eyed and barely awake.
*Money! My bank account is so much better off! My husband and I only went out once this month, and I looked at my bank account in shock. Seriously, did I forget a bill? What? Um...oh dear. Well if THAT isn't a wake-up for the budget then I don't know what is.
*Confidence and security in my choices. There's so much information out there regarding diets and "health". So many new gimmicks, so many seemingly well-reasoned arguments for why X approach is better than Y, why Y fails in comparison to Z. I'm listening to none of it. I'm questioning myself NOT AT ALL. My body feels amazing. I'm getting signals that tell me that this is RIGHT, this feels good, my body is happy. I am secure in my choices. I am not panicking in the back of my mind, "what if this doesn't work? What do I not know yet? Do I need to study this more? What does this book/diet over here have to offer?" I am confident that this is right for my body, and emotional stress has melted away.
But the most significant change, the change that I am chasing, is in healing my brain. Oh, please. Oh please pleasepleaseplease. I've never wanted anything more. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to have that. When I woke up from the coma, after the accident, I had no idea how badly I was hurt. For two months I had no idea as I gradually healed. But then one day...
It was April. I remember in great detail, because there was so much emotional trauma. So much pain. I was in my room with my journal, and I was idly flipping pages, trying to stir up memories here and there, musing over how much I didn't remember. I picked up a book. Still couldn't read. I knew what the words meant, but couldn't comprehend how they threaded together into a coherent thought. I couldn't remember the first sentence of the paragraph by the time I got to the last sentence. Me, an English major! Who had never wanted anything more than to write, be a writer, be published, tell my stories to the world. In a split second I realized what I had lost. I realized how badly I was hurt. I realized that I had changed on such a fundamental level, that my dreams were dead to me. I still remember, word for word, what I picked up my journal and wrote:
"Anything but my brain. Anything. I would have given my arm. Anything but my brain."
Right there, in that moment, I made the decision to turn from my writing dreams and everything I thought I'd become. I made the decision to pick myself up and carry on, fight on, on a completely different path. Realizing how badly my brain was injured was by far the most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to me, and in some ways I am still reeling from that blow.
But there is a suggestion here, in this way of eating. Coupled with Crossfit and the neural changes detailed in Learning to Breathe Fire, this way of eating has the potential to help heal some of the damage and stimulate parts that are, while not dormant, sluggish. If I can heal my brain and focus on executive function, planning tasks and completing them, I'm all in.
This does not end tonight. I'm healing my brain, and I want that more than anything. I'm all in.
Monday, November 10, 2014
11 weeks
I am in my eleventh week of my Crossfit journey. This has truly become a new lifestyle for me.
I used to hate it when people said "it really is a lifestyle change". For me, I thought I was living a healthy, active life and there was something wrong with my body. I thought I had been cursed with a body that was not going to change, no matter what I did. I would go to the gym and spend time there--I really would work out in ways that were challenging or unusual to the people around me--but never at this level of intensity. I would make time in my schedule to go regularly, too, but would often have periods where I just wouldn't make it for a week, or I'd do 25 minutes and call it done. As for healthy eating, I've always had a sweet tooth. Anything I could do to justify those choices would come out in spades when I just "didn't feel like" making a different decision. And I certainly wouldn't set aside time to cook the day before. It certainly didn't occur to me to plan ahead. I definitely wasn't planning rest and laundry around my lifestyle, either!
But now I've understood what a lifestyle change truly is, and I'm committed. Last night I prepared my breakfast for post-WOD nutrition this morning. I took out all my gym/shoulder/travel bags and packed full sets of gym clothes for four days. I set my alarm for 4:45am--without hesitating--and went to bed early.
All this was done after my husband invited me to go to dinner with him. I did go. We haven't gone out for the length of the Whole30 (I'm on day 28!) and I was happy to go out with him. We went to a Mexican restaurant that we have frequented in the past. I am familiar with the menu and made a decision about my order before we walked in.
When we sat down they put chips&salsa at our table, and I immediately asked, "can we get some hot carrots, please?" and requested a glass of water with lemon. When the carrots came I munched happily, and didn't really notice the chips at all. Then the waiter came around to take our full order.
"Beef fajitas, please," I said with conviction.
"Okay, black or refried beans?"
I said, "I don't want any of it, actually. I just want the meat and the veggies." The waiter looked at my husband, who shrugged, and back at me. He nodded and wrote it down.
Then my husband ordered, and it occurred to me that he could have my rice&beans and tortillas. So that was served, and since it "wasn't mine" I wasn't even tempted. The meat and veggies were so good! I was sorely tempted to go back for lunch today, but decided to have my salad with chicken as I planned last night.
I have one of my gym bags in my cubby at work, and I'm planning to go to the box tonight for some supplemental cardio. I did the WOD this morning, but I want more cardio. I am changing, and I want more change. I want it all.
I used to hate it when people said "it really is a lifestyle change". For me, I thought I was living a healthy, active life and there was something wrong with my body. I thought I had been cursed with a body that was not going to change, no matter what I did. I would go to the gym and spend time there--I really would work out in ways that were challenging or unusual to the people around me--but never at this level of intensity. I would make time in my schedule to go regularly, too, but would often have periods where I just wouldn't make it for a week, or I'd do 25 minutes and call it done. As for healthy eating, I've always had a sweet tooth. Anything I could do to justify those choices would come out in spades when I just "didn't feel like" making a different decision. And I certainly wouldn't set aside time to cook the day before. It certainly didn't occur to me to plan ahead. I definitely wasn't planning rest and laundry around my lifestyle, either!
But now I've understood what a lifestyle change truly is, and I'm committed. Last night I prepared my breakfast for post-WOD nutrition this morning. I took out all my gym/shoulder/travel bags and packed full sets of gym clothes for four days. I set my alarm for 4:45am--without hesitating--and went to bed early.
All this was done after my husband invited me to go to dinner with him. I did go. We haven't gone out for the length of the Whole30 (I'm on day 28!) and I was happy to go out with him. We went to a Mexican restaurant that we have frequented in the past. I am familiar with the menu and made a decision about my order before we walked in.
When we sat down they put chips&salsa at our table, and I immediately asked, "can we get some hot carrots, please?" and requested a glass of water with lemon. When the carrots came I munched happily, and didn't really notice the chips at all. Then the waiter came around to take our full order.
"Beef fajitas, please," I said with conviction.
"Okay, black or refried beans?"
I said, "I don't want any of it, actually. I just want the meat and the veggies." The waiter looked at my husband, who shrugged, and back at me. He nodded and wrote it down.
Then my husband ordered, and it occurred to me that he could have my rice&beans and tortillas. So that was served, and since it "wasn't mine" I wasn't even tempted. The meat and veggies were so good! I was sorely tempted to go back for lunch today, but decided to have my salad with chicken as I planned last night.
I have one of my gym bags in my cubby at work, and I'm planning to go to the box tonight for some supplemental cardio. I did the WOD this morning, but I want more cardio. I am changing, and I want more change. I want it all.
Friday, November 7, 2014
25 day magic
It is day 25 of my Whole30, and things are going great. I think I've hit the point where food just does not matter. Either that or I'm really lazy.
Yesterday morning I did the WOD at 5:30, then worked all day. Breakfast was gyro meat and a pear, lunch was a salad with chicken, and I didn't have anything immediately after work. Instead I decided to go to the box for some cardio. Finished that, grabbed a quesadilla at Chipotle for hubby, got home around 8 (approximately 15 hours after my day started with the WOD). I didn't have anything cooked and didn't have the energy to prepare anything. I ate an apple with almond butter and went to bed.
This morning I woke up around 6 and still had no desire to cook anything. I flipped through my cupboards and found nothing. My husband still has his food in the house, but nothing registered on my radar as "Food For Me". I had a banana and almond butter. I'm not hungry. I'm not full. I'm just...I'm not anything. It is not a concern to me. I don't CARE about eating anymore. I'll do it when I have to, and if there's nothing around that I consider food then I'm disinterested. Can the emotional tie to food be broken? Is that even possible, after 25 years of fighting it? 25 years of struggling done in 25 days...how is that possible?
Several people have commented now that my face looks slimmer. I keep feeling my jaw to try to verify changes. It's a slow, meditative process. Changing from the inside takes a lot of heart.
Yesterday morning I did the WOD at 5:30, then worked all day. Breakfast was gyro meat and a pear, lunch was a salad with chicken, and I didn't have anything immediately after work. Instead I decided to go to the box for some cardio. Finished that, grabbed a quesadilla at Chipotle for hubby, got home around 8 (approximately 15 hours after my day started with the WOD). I didn't have anything cooked and didn't have the energy to prepare anything. I ate an apple with almond butter and went to bed.
This morning I woke up around 6 and still had no desire to cook anything. I flipped through my cupboards and found nothing. My husband still has his food in the house, but nothing registered on my radar as "Food For Me". I had a banana and almond butter. I'm not hungry. I'm not full. I'm just...I'm not anything. It is not a concern to me. I don't CARE about eating anymore. I'll do it when I have to, and if there's nothing around that I consider food then I'm disinterested. Can the emotional tie to food be broken? Is that even possible, after 25 years of fighting it? 25 years of struggling done in 25 days...how is that possible?
Several people have commented now that my face looks slimmer. I keep feeling my jaw to try to verify changes. It's a slow, meditative process. Changing from the inside takes a lot of heart.
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