Struggling

Ahh, brave last words spoken yesterday.

I am going through some difficult emotional things that came to a bit of a head in the last couple of days. I've been working very hard with Dr. Matt to dismantle and disarm them, and build in healthier responses. But when these emotional things happen my first instinct is still to stuff them down, strangle them with food. The muscles for coping and facing instead of just running away are still new.

Yesterday I ate potato chips for lunch. I found a brand that wasn't full of crap, basically potatoes and salt and oil. But the fact remains that I had potato chips for lunch. So it was still Whole30 with regard to the ingredients, but certainly not in spirit. So gray area. At dinner I desperately wanted to skip it. I really needed to skip the meal as an expression of control. I know that's one of my behaviors, though, that I'm trying very hard to break. So I made myself eat something. I managed only a banana and almond butter, but I did it. Then I went to bed.

This morning when I woke up I was hungry, obviously, but more than hungry I'm emotionally raw. I really, really want to "cut and run".

My dad was in the military. He was high ranking on submarines--already a rare bird--during the Cold War. We went where they needed him. By the time I was in the third grade I'd been in 5 different schools. Counting colleges, which was my own doing since I put myself through, I went to 12 different schools. This means 12 different groups of friends (although in all honesty I've never really had "groups" of friends. I've had one or two at a time). I've lived in 8 different states and one different country. Starting very very young I learned how to "rip it out": cut all attachments and walk away. I'm really bad at forming close attachments. I just don't know how. I am interested in people and I'm curious, and I make friends quickly and easily. But I keep people at arm's distance, and when I walk away I walk away cleanly. Ghosts don't follow me.

What that all means is that my primary form of dealing with emotional struggles and difficult relationships is to stuff it down as long as I can, and then when it gets unbearable to just to walk away. Deep in my brain there's a bitter belief: "Everything ends, it's just a matter of when." I'm trying to learn not to do that. I'm trying to learn other ways of coping.

So this morning when I woke up I was hungry. I was--am--also emotional and touchy. I immediately started thinking of where might be open. Mmmm, pancakes the size of the plate. Butter and syrup, oh my! Fried potatoes and eggs with milk and cinnamon rolls and cream and croissants and doughnuts and and...hysteria. It's Thanksgiving Day, though, so I can be thankful that no place is open.

But then I realized that I had to go to the store. I needed almond milk for my tea. I made a list, told my best friend what I was going to buy, and allowed myself to get only almond milk, bananas, parsnips, and carrots. Then I got out of there.

Back home I heated up some sausages while my water boiled, then I had tea, sausages, and two kiwi. The banana is next to me but I don't want it. I've eaten good food and I'm not hungry anymore. I've wobbled, certainly, but I righted myself and I'm back on course. This is good. This is something to be thankful for.