Overarching philosophy

This morning I woke up at a respectable time (7:30) and took my thyroid pill. It needs to be taken and digested on an empty stomach, so I put off tea or breakfast. By the time I got Nick dropped off at work, picked up dry cleaning, and started laundry, it was after 9. What I've been writing for the last few days was still on my mind. I've been dogged by the idea that I need to change my focus. I need to shift from being discontent with what I am to putting every effort into being something else. Negative (I don't want to be/I'm unhappy being) to positive (I want to be/I'm living like I am).

So in that vein, I decided it was time to do a WOD again. I still have a broken elbow, so there are a wide variety of things I can't do. But there are still things I CAN do. Starting on the ground floor of the apartment building, I ran up the stairs to the third floor, walked down the hallway running the length of the building, down the stairs to ground level, across through the parking lot, and back to the other set of stairs. I did that round 4 times, then went back up the stairs to our apartment. In the apartment I did 4 rounds of 10 air squats and 10 sit ups. The whole thing took me about 20 minutes, and then I took a shower and had a banana with almond butter and tea with milk for a mid-morning "breakfast". Then I picked up the book I'm working on right now, Deep Nutrition by Dr. Catherine Shanahan, MD. This book talks about the idea that the food you eat talks to your genes, and turns them off and on depending on what chemical messages are being sent. This is something that I've had a nagging feeling about, something that I've thought just has to be true but I've never really had words for. It's making me think a lot of things.

The first thing I'm thinking is that honestly, at the very core level, I got some good genes. The book talks about the idea that there really isn't a "genetically gifted" strain of humans. We all have the potential to become strong, athletic, and beautiful, but it's heavily influenced by the genes that are "on" at the time of our conception (and thusly, what our mothers are feeding themselves, and our fathers are eating).

I'm in a generation that was conceived before BigAg took over our food supply, before genetic manipulation of foods became so widespread, before our world became so automated and so sedentary. Essentially, I got un-messed-with genes to start with. My father comes from a long line of tall, strong, robust, workhorse bodies. My mom's genes are the more unknown, given her family history, but her father is still alive and well at 93 years old so there's gotta be something good there. The good stuff was turned on when I was conceived. I didn't start with "slowed down" genes.

I have known and acknowledged for a long time that I have good genes. My teeth are straight, my jaw is strong. I am tall, my muscles form quickly and grow easily. I have a strong heart (despite anomalous flaps of tissue). For a long time I was free of any persisting diseases, although Hashimoto's Disease and similar thyroid disorders do have a genetic component. My research into Hashi's has told me that there is *something* that is turning those genes on. They haven't narrowed it down to a specific factor, but they know there are components in the environment, in personality, and in our food consumption. Add in the idea from Dr. Shanahan's book, and it falls into place. Our food talks to our genes, and in that way our food becomes us. The food we eat forms us. Which I have always known, but never really believed on a gut level. (Sorry, bad pun, couldn't resist!)

So essentially, if food is a conversation you're having with your body, what conversation do you want to have? Do you want to be a bully? Do you want to throw crap at your body, useless oils and calories and unrecognizable chemicals from the food labs, and see what your body does with it? Do you want to treat your body like an experiment and see what happens when it gets a steady supply of nothing it's evolved to need? The current generation really is a demonstration of what happens when the body doesn't get what it needs to be optimally healthy. Incidents of heart disease, cancer, and diabetes type II are astronomical, and we know those diseases are acquired. We know those diseases are a result of lifestyle choices in the majority of suffers (as with any absolute, there are exceptions that prove the rule).

After my late breakfast, I finished the laundry and a couple of other tasks, then walked across the street to drop off the dry cleaning and get a salad from the deli. I was intent on the Apple Valley salad: apples  (vitamins A, B, C, K, and fiber), dried cranberries (vitamins C, E, K, manganese, and fiber), salad greens (potassium, manganese, calcium, pantothenic acid, iron, and fiber), walnuts (vitamin E, folate, omega 3 fatty acids), goat cheese (calcium, protein, niacin, thiamin), and chicken (protein, vitamins B6 and B12, selenium) and balsamic dressing (iron, maganese). Basically I just had a really good conversation with my body. I gave it pieces that it needs to be healthy and to turn on the right genes.

I see good things coming from this shift in focus.

What the brain perceives, the body achieves

Yesterday I had a chance to organize my thoughts, outline the challenges of the last 6 months, and whine it all out. Writing the list helped focus me and gave me the opportunity to let it all go. Now that it's not whirling around in my mind anymore, I can let it float off into the ether.

And that leaves plenty of room for looking forward.

I still have the same goals. I always have the same goals. Well, calling them goals isn't exactly right because I've never really put words to them. I've always had this sense that I want More. I want Different. I want to be, or do, Something Else. I've never been able really to doggedly pursue a goal because I've never had words for where I'm going. All I've ever had words for was Not Here. It's really hard to live a life based around being discontent, never satisfied, with where you are and what you are achieving. The most disheartening part of it is the sense that your energies are being spent on the wrong things, that instead of moving forward you're just desperately trying to not slide backward.

My entire life I've had the sense that where I am, what I do, what I achieve, is Not Good Enough. I've never done something and sat back to rest on my laurels. My brain immediately thinks up ways that I could have been better, the achievement could have been more stellar, I could have been more remarkable. If I can't come up with a way that my achievement could be more of a success, then I fall back on "but I'm still fat and that is NOT acceptable". I've always blamed myself, labelled myself, torn myself up for not being thinner, but I've never systematically attacked the issue. I've tried all sorts of diets! I skipped the cabbage soup diet, and I missed the Master Cleanse, but I've had experiences with all the others. Always with the sense that where I am is not acceptable, not with the perspective that I am moving forward to something better.

I guess it's all about perspective. But if the body follows the brain, then this body is an example of trying not to be what it is, instead of trying to be something better. Hmmm. I don't know if I'm expressing this quite right. My focus is always on the fact that I'm overweight, I'm awkward, I'm graceless, I'm injured, and that is what I'm perpetuating. For my body to change, my focus needs to change.

Which brings me to the "goals" I have always had. Never in sentences, but always there in fleeting images and big black Xs. As an example, yesterday I took the train to Irvine. At the Irvine station you have to climb 4 flights of steps, walk across a bridge over the train tracks, and go back down 4 flights to the train station. When I finished going up the steps I noticed that my thighs were burning. Huh, weird. Since when do my thighs burn this much after 60 steps? I immediately started with the excuses: I have a broken arm and that makes moving awkward, I'm carrying my laptop and a bag of books and that's heavy, my load is awkward. I did everything I could to not focus on the fact that I'm not as in shape as I would like to be. By giving myself excuses I give myself permission to stay right here. My brain will perpetuate what I focus on, and I'm not focused on being better. I'm just focusing on accepting that I'm not happy where I am.

I don't want to accept that. I don't want to stay as that. I don't want to spend my life being unhappy with what I am, but making constant excuses that allow me to remain here forever.

So. I need some goals. More than goals, I need an entirely new approach. I need to change EVERYTHING about how I approach this challenge.