Yesterday I had a chance to organize my thoughts, outline the challenges of the last 6 months, and whine it all out. Writing the list helped focus me and gave me the opportunity to let it all go. Now that it's not whirling around in my mind anymore, I can let it float off into the ether.
And that leaves plenty of room for looking forward.
I still have the same goals. I always have the same goals. Well, calling them goals isn't exactly right because I've never really put words to them. I've always had this sense that I want More. I want Different. I want to be, or do, Something Else. I've never been able really to doggedly pursue a goal because I've never had words for where I'm going. All I've ever had words for was Not Here. It's really hard to live a life based around being discontent, never satisfied, with where you are and what you are achieving. The most disheartening part of it is the sense that your energies are being spent on the wrong things, that instead of moving forward you're just desperately trying to not slide backward.
My entire life I've had the sense that where I am, what I do, what I achieve, is Not Good Enough. I've never done something and sat back to rest on my laurels. My brain immediately thinks up ways that I could have been better, the achievement could have been more stellar, I could have been more remarkable. If I can't come up with a way that my achievement could be more of a success, then I fall back on "but I'm still fat and that is NOT acceptable". I've always blamed myself, labelled myself, torn myself up for not being thinner, but I've never systematically attacked the issue. I've tried all sorts of diets! I skipped the cabbage soup diet, and I missed the Master Cleanse, but I've had experiences with all the others. Always with the sense that where I am is not acceptable, not with the perspective that I am moving forward to something better.
I guess it's all about perspective. But if the body follows the brain, then this body is an example of trying not to be what it is, instead of trying to be something better. Hmmm. I don't know if I'm expressing this quite right. My focus is always on the fact that I'm overweight, I'm awkward, I'm graceless, I'm injured, and that is what I'm perpetuating. For my body to change, my focus needs to change.
Which brings me to the "goals" I have always had. Never in sentences, but always there in fleeting images and big black Xs. As an example, yesterday I took the train to Irvine. At the Irvine station you have to climb 4 flights of steps, walk across a bridge over the train tracks, and go back down 4 flights to the train station. When I finished going up the steps I noticed that my thighs were burning. Huh, weird. Since when do my thighs burn this much after 60 steps? I immediately started with the excuses: I have a broken arm and that makes moving awkward, I'm carrying my laptop and a bag of books and that's heavy, my load is awkward. I did everything I could to not focus on the fact that I'm not as in shape as I would like to be. By giving myself excuses I give myself permission to stay right here. My brain will perpetuate what I focus on, and I'm not focused on being better. I'm just focusing on accepting that I'm not happy where I am.
I don't want to accept that. I don't want to stay as that. I don't want to spend my life being unhappy with what I am, but making constant excuses that allow me to remain here forever.
So. I need some goals. More than goals, I need an entirely new approach. I need to change EVERYTHING about how I approach this challenge.
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