Existing in a body is a weird thing. It's so familiar to you, you barely notice when things stiffen up or aging, when your body isn't what it used to be. Then you try to do something and realize with a shock how much you've changed in X years. On the flip side, every tiny little change seems significant when you're trying actively to change.

I've noticed tiny, tiny little changes. My wrists look smaller at certain angles when I'm treating patients. My scrubs fit differently. When I was twisted around to apply traction to a patient today I noticed that my scrub top twisted differently. I don't feel like I have to pull my top down as often. My red dress was falling nicer, and seemed to fit flatter over my stomach on Saturday. My fitbit is making a habit of sliding up my arm, and I'm beginning to think I should move it in a notch. These are tiny things, and half the time I can convince myself that I'm imagining it. I'm just focusing on the habits.

I've got my head in the game, and I'm actively working to establish solid habits. Way off at the beginning of this adventure, when I was discouraged and jaded and doubtful, I read a quote along the lines of "focus on the habits. The changes will follow." So that's what I've been doing. I've been focusing on prepping my food the night before, working veggies in wherever I can get them, making sure my clothes are ready for the next day so that I never have any excuses to avoid the gym, and making my schedule revolve around my Crossfit time.

Now granted, this is much easier given the fact that I love my Crossfit time, and I love my box members. If I were just trying to chase myself into a 24 Hour Fitness or a local gym for my own unguided workouts, it'd be much more of a struggle. I've always enjoyed working out, and I've always been a little disappointed in the "find something you love, and do that!" line of advice given to people trying to start an exercise program. I do love the gym and I always have. But that love never translated into any sort of change in the rest of my life. Now, though, as a member of my box, I understand that "liking" to work out and LOVING an activity are light years away from each other in terms of intensity. I love my box. Getting there is not a fight and it's not a challenge. I want to make time for this. I actually want to spend as much time on this as possible. As a therapist I know I need to allow time for healing and recovery, and days off (like today) make me pine for tomorrow. But at the moment my body likes having a day off after three days of WODs, so that's what I'm giving it.

I do have to confess, though, that my plan is to add in cardio WODs in the evening while I'm doing the whole30. I'm not going to be watching the scale. I'm not going to count calories. But I am going to be watching my performance, and it's an established fact that if I weighed less it would be easier for me to run and jump and push up and pull up and roll up and move. That's what I want. I want to do all of that better.

Our box Whole30 starts tomorrow, and I think I'm all set. I've got my groceries, I've got a new cookbook, I've told all my friends my excited anticipation, and I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of tomorrow. I have decided that I am not going to take pictures, and I am not going to weigh myself. Both things would trigger me too strongly, and I'm feeling really good and stable right now. I'm still working with my therapist to be sure I feel stable and okay no matter what is happening with my weight or my size, but I'm not there yet and I see no need to ruin all my hard work. I'm focusing on habits, and I'm focusing on how my body feels. And I'm focusing on how I perform. That's what I want.