After all my bravado about feeling safe and accepted yesterday, kivnon posted an invitation for today's workout.

"We are[sic] only be at the box at 8am on Monday the first.

Normal business will resume on Tuesday!!

Come out and do hotshots 19 with us!!!"

Curious, I googled 'hotshots 19'. Oh dear. 

Crossfit is known for 'the girls', and for so-called 'Hero' workouts. The girls are so named because Crossfit founder Greg Glassman once commented, "I thought that anything that left you flat on your back, looking up at the sky asking ‘what just happened to me?’ deserved a female's name." Fran, Amanda, Cindy--these are known in Crossfit circles. Comparing 'Fran times' is part of the atmosphere.

Crossfit originally was discovered and heavily utilized (and still is) by military members looking to hone their skills to be more prepared for the vagaries of war. It was quickly picked up by firefighters, EMTs, members of the police force, and other first responders. These were the people who had the potential to find themselves in situations where they had to run 100 meters, crouch down and lift a 200-pound fallen crew member, and drag said crew member 100 meters to safety while under fire. These members needed the stress of training and the variability of training to ensure that, if the need arose, they could perform whatever circumstance threw at them. The Hero workouts are so named for servicemen who have fallen in the line of duty. The first Hero workout, 'Murph', was put together almost a decade ago. Since then others have been added, including Hotshots 19.

Hotshots 19 honors the 19 fallen crewmembers who were trapped and perished fighting the fire in Yarnell, AZ on June 30, 2013. It is 6 rounds for time of the following sets: 30 squats, 19 (one for every fallen member) 135-pound power cleans, 7 strict pullups, and a 400 meter run.

And I can't do it.

For my level of conditioning right now, I know this Hero workout is beyond me. Especially with a braced ankle. When I saw the workout posted and realized what it involved, all my fear and all my personal shame slapped me in the face. I know it can be scaled, of course. I can break the 30 squats up into sets of 10 instead of 30 straight through. We can change the 135-pound power clean into a 20-pound training bar clean. The strict pullups can be ring rows. We can modify the 400 meter run to a 240 meter fence run. We're still talking about an hour-long 90-95% effort, and I'm just not that conditioned yet. In between respecting my training as a therapist and my own consuming shame--I'm okay with being the slowest one, but good lord, not in front of every single person who goes to the box (and there's only one workout today, so it'll be busy), I couldn't face it.

 So I have decided. I don't get to wimp out today. I'll go to the gym today, and I'll do 6 rounds for time of:

*30 air squats
*19 power cleans with a 20-pound bar
*7 "ring rows" (I can set up a Free Motion to approximate this)

...and I'll report my time later.

I am not a Hero, but dammit, I'm trying.