One of the ideas that Tiffany is really working on with me is self-talk before, during, and after a WOD. I'm trying very hard to tell myself encouraging things when I face another fence run ("Just a fence run! This'll be fun!"). A challenge I still have, though, ingrained from years of ridicule and criticism in PE, is exercising in front of others and knowing that I'm the slowest and heaviest. It takes a lot of work to undo scar tissue, emotional or physical. Realizing after years of poor treatment that I've been okay all along is one thing; overcoming knee jerk reactions and self-protection responses is something else entirely.

Saturday morning is a free class. Everyone is welcome, box member or not, to come get a sense of the gym and of Crossfit workouts. My last four Saturdays were fun. This, my fifth Saturday, looked like it was going to be more of the same. Kettle bell high pulls--yay, I love kettle bells! Air squats--totally got those! Fence run--uuuummmmmm, "just a fence run!"

We gathered in the parking lot because there wasn't enough space actually in the box for all the new people. There were about 20 people there for the 9:00 WOD. Warm up started--fence run. Great, fence run! I was really working my focus and self-talk. High kicks, butt kicks, high knees...all things I can do if I'm standing but not prancing. So modified. I was okay with it. I'm an actual member, I'm good, I'm okay. I'm okay.

Then the WOD started. I was good with the kettle bell high pulls, good with the squats, good with the first half of the run. Then someone, a man a good decade younger than I, lapped me. And my confidence crumbled. I wasn't guarding it and I fell apart. I couldn't make myself start a second round, not with that dreaded, lumbering, heavy, slow fence run. The desire to run and hide consumed me. Stef had mentioned that we could row or run, so I retreated into the hot (but far emptier) box to pull down a rower. I set up my kettle bell and was off again. 6 rounds later, time was called on the 15 minute WOD.

I was far more comfortable on my own. I've liked the camaraderie of working with a few of my box members, but this was just too many. My inner scars are still too entrenched. It'll get better and I'll get more confident, but for right now I need to remember that I am still learning and still recovering. As with a child who has been mistreated, I must be gentle with myself.